13 Santa's Secrets

Christmast is over. Now we're entering New Years Eve and waiting for next christmast...
Wait, I'm sure you never know about Santa's secrets! Next years when Santa comes to your house, just ask him if they were true or not. Maybe he would give you double present to keep you silent!

1. Never force your screaming kid onto my lap. Just bring him close and give me a few minutes. I’ve got plenty of tricks up my sleeve.

2. Some of us get bonuses for making our daily photo quota. So please forgive me if I try to move things along.

3. I make around $10,000 a season doing this, but cut me some slack. Between October and December, most of us work about forty 10-hour days and listen to 30,000 children.

4. Wondering why both of my white-gloved hands are always where you can see them? Ask my lawyer.

5. I’m sorry Grandma is in heaven or that Mom and Dad have split up. But even Santa can only do so much, so let’s just stick with what you’d like to unwrap on the big day.

6. Want to have more than just a few seconds with me? Skip the mall. Let’s meet at your kid’s preschool or a photo studio that invites Santa in for special portraits.

7. As a matter of fact, I did go to school for this. Topics of study: how to hold children, manage sticky conversations, and care for my hair and beard.

8. I don’t have total recall. Don’t come back after a few minutes and ask what your kid requested. Stand close enough to listen.

9. Those of us with real beards think we’re superior. But the best of the rest of us pay as much as $3,000 to wig makers to make us authentic-looking whiskers.

10. I see you vigorously nodding your head, but even so, I will never, ever promise anything to a child.

11. Boys tend to give it to you straight: “I want a Game Boy and a remote control car.” Little girls want to explain everything.

12. Is Santa real? “Well,” I reply, pinching myself and grimacing, “I feel real.”

13. I’ve been kicked in the shins, hit in the groin, scratched, bitten, and peed on. But there’s a reason I keep doing this year after year: This is the best work I’ve ever found.

If You Love Someone... in Many Versions

The Original......

If you love someone,
Set her free...
If she comes back, she`s yours,
If she doesn`t, she`s never was....

The New Versions.....

Pessimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she`s yours,
If she doesn`t, as expected, she`s never was ...

Optimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
Don`t worry, she will come back.

Suspicious:
(1) If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

(2) If you love someone,
Set her free ... but get someone to follow her

(3) If you love someone,
...
are you sure you love that someone?

Go-getter:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she comes back, she`s yours,
If she doesn`t, go get her !

Hunter:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
Don`t even wait whether she comes back, go hunt her down !

Impatient:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she doesn`t comes back within some timeout, forget her.

Patient:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she doesn`t comes back, continue to wait until she comes back ...

Playful:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
* If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again,
* repeat *

Student in the midst of an exam period:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she comes back during the exam period, set her free again, and go and study ...
If she doesn`t comes back during the exam period, god bless.
If she doesn`t comes back at all, god bless you too.

Healing Program

An old couple were sitting in their living room on a Sunday morning watching a religious program.

The preacher on this show would go to all the people in the audience and asking them what they wanted fixed, then he would have them cover the part of their body they wanted fixed.

Many of the people were elderly so they were covering their eyes and hearts. Then the preacher said "Ok now for you at home put your hand on the part of your body you want fixed and say this prayer with me."

So the little old lady put her hand on her heart, because she had a very bad heart. And the little old man put his hands on his crotch.

The little old lady turned to her husband and said "He said he could heal the sick, not raise the dead!"

Dane and Irish

A Dane and an Irish man are at the beach in Waikiki
All day the girls are hanging next to the Dane
On the way home the Irish guy asks his Danish pal why the girls
Didnt even notice him.
The Dane tells his buddy to get rid of the boxer short swimsuit and
Get a Speedo like him.
The next day the girls are hanging on the Dane again and not even noticing
the Irish man with the new Speedo.
On the way home he again asks the Dane whats the problem with the girls again
Not noticing him.
The Dane says look get yourself a potato and put it in your Speedo.
The next day still no luck, the girls are even staying further away from him. He cant
Stand it anymore and asks the Dane what to do next.
The Dane says move the potato from the back to the front.

4 Miracles of Woman

Getting wet without taking a shower
Bleeding without getting hurt
Giving milk without eating grass
Making boneless meat hard.

Parrot

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot,"Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes," said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot,"What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a stupid name for a parrot," sneered the burglar."What idiot would name a parrot Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

Hat

An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the vestibule.

When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on "The Ten Commandments."

After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his had vigorously, and told him "I want to thank you preacher for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it."

Preacher: "You mean the commandment 'I shall not steal' changed your mind?"

Old Man: "No, the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that I remember where I left my old hat!"

Armless Man in Bar

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender.

He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.

The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.

The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times.
By the way, where is your restroom?"

The bartender quickly replies -,
"The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."

Driver License Uncover Everything

Two young boys were discussing their parents,
when one realized he really knew very little
about his mother. Arriving home that evening,
he gave her a third degree examination.

"How old are you?" he asked.

"None of your business," replied his mother,
shortly.

"Okay, then how much do you weigh?"

"That's not your business either, young man."


The boy thinks a minute then delivers his final
bombshell. "Well then, can you tell me why you
and daddy got divorced?"

Shocked and appalled, mom sends junior to bed
without supper.

The next day, the kid reports his failure to
his schoolmate. "I know!" says his buddy, "Just
look at her driver's license in her purse. It'll
tell you everything you want to know."

Later that day, mom finds her son next to her
disemboweled purse, holding her driver's license.
"Just what the heck do you think you are doing?"
she yells. "Well, you wouldn't tell me what I
wanted to know," says the junior detective, "but
my friend said it's all right here. See, you're
40 years old...you weigh 145 pounds...and daddy
divorced you because you got an 'F' in Sex."

Conversation With God

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord: 'God, what does a million years mean to you?'

The Lord replies, 'A minute.'

Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'

The Lord replies, 'A penny.'

Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'

The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'

10 Things That Sounds Dirty at Thanksgiving Day but Absolutely Not...

1. "Reach in and grab the gibblets."

2. "Whew...that's one terrific spread!"

3. "I'm in the mood for a little dark meat!"

4. "Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist."

5. "Talk about a HUGE breast!"

6. "And he forces his way into the end zone!"

7. "She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down."

8. "It's cool whip time!"

9. "If I don't unbutton my pants, I am going to burst!"

10. "It must be broken 'cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out.

Blonde With Two Red Ears

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered,
"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But. what happened to your other ear?"
"The son of a bitch called back."

Please Keep The Secret!

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her outer labia are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she’s embarrassed and doesn’t want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor and says: “I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!”

“Don’t worry,” he says: “I didn’t tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself.”

“Who is the third rose from?” she asks.

“Oh,” says the doctor: “that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!”

Misunderstanding With An Arabian Man

An Arab was interviewed at the US Embassy for a U.S.A. Visa.

Consul : What is your name?
Arab: Abdul Aziz

Consul: Sex?
Arab : Six to ten times a week

Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab : both male and female and sometimes even camels

Consul: Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!

Consul: Man,...isn ' t it hostile?
Arab :Horse style, dog style, any style

Consul: Oh...dear!
Arab : Deer? No deer, they run too fast!

Negotiation With God

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. 'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.' Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did. Ca ol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God:

I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.


LETTER 2:

Dear God:

This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you, Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.


LETTER 3:

Dear God:

I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you, Carol

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.

'Just be home in time for dinner,' her mother said. Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.


LETTER 4:
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed, YOU KNOW WHO

Osama Bin Laden Goes to Heaven

Osama bin Laden went to heaven and was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?"

Patrick Henry then approached and punched Osama in the nose.

James Madison entered and kicked him in the shin.

An angry Thomas Jefferson whacked Osama over the head with a cane.

The thrashing continued as John Randolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

Suddenly, as Osama lay writhing in unbearable pain, an angel appeared.

"This is not what you promised me," said Osama.

"Come on, Osama," the angel replied. "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven"

Qrazy Offend Jokes

Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment

Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either

Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. A pimp

Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell 'BINGO!'

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A. A northern fairytale begins, 'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins, 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh!t.'

Q.. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A.. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the UnitedStates

Many Difficult Questions

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they already know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that someth ing new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, ‘It’s all right?’ Well, it isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, ‘That really hurt, why don’t you watch where you’re going?’

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you.

Ex Husband and Ex Wife

I.Dear Husband,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.

You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything.
Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving
away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Regards,
Your Ex-Wife


II.Dear Ex-Wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you
and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice when you cutoff all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price
tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to BALI. But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed,
Rich As Hell and Free!
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13 Types of Working People

1. MARKETING - You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

2. SALES - Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

3. TECHNOLOGY - Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

4. ENGINEERING - One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."

5. ACCOUNTING - The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

6. HUMAN RESOURCES - Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch and then mail a letter.

7. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT - Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in you social circle is a "Middle Manager."

8. SENIOR MANAGEMENT - (See above - Same sign, different title)

9. CUSTOMER SERVICE - Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

10. CONSULTANT - Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

11. RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" - As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.

12. PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO - You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.

13. GOVERNMENT WORKER - Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job.