Santa & Tiger Woods

Two hottest person this month in blogsphere, Santa and Tiger Woods posing together...

History of Christmast Carols

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly Gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess Something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He Flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He Shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and Finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just What do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

Do You Know How To...?

A man walked up to a farmer's house, and knocked on the door. When the farmer's wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door.

Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question. Again, she slammed the door and screamed, "Get the hell away!"

Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case.

Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said, "Yes!"

The man replied, "Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife!"

If You Love Someone... in Many Versions

The Original......

If you love someone,
Set her free...
If she comes back, she`s yours,
If she doesn`t, she`s never was....

The New Versions.....

Pessimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she`s yours,
If she doesn`t, as expected, she`s never was ...

Optimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
Don`t worry, she will come back.

Suspicious:
(1) If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

(2) If you love someone,
Set her free ... but get someone to follow her

(3) If you love someone,
...
are you sure you love that someone?

Go-getter:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she comes back, she`s yours,
If she doesn`t, go get her !

Hunter:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
Don`t even wait whether she comes back, go hunt her down !

Impatient:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she doesn`t comes back within some timeout, forget her.

Patient:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she doesn`t comes back, continue to wait until she comes back ...

Playful:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
* If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again,
* repeat *

Student in the midst of an exam period:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she comes back during the exam period, set her free again, and go and study ...
If she doesn`t comes back during the exam period, god bless.
If she doesn`t comes back at all, god bless you too.

Healing Program

An old couple were sitting in their living room on a Sunday morning watching a religious program.

The preacher on this show would go to all the people in the audience and asking them what they wanted fixed, then he would have them cover the part of their body they wanted fixed.

Many of the people were elderly so they were covering their eyes and hearts. Then the preacher said "Ok now for you at home put your hand on the part of your body you want fixed and say this prayer with me."

So the little old lady put her hand on her heart, because she had a very bad heart. And the little old man put his hands on his crotch.

The little old lady turned to her husband and said "He said he could heal the sick, not raise the dead!"

Dane and Irish

A Dane and an Irish man are at the beach in Waikiki
All day the girls are hanging next to the Dane
On the way home the Irish guy asks his Danish pal why the girls
Didnt even notice him.
The Dane tells his buddy to get rid of the boxer short swimsuit and
Get a Speedo like him.
The next day the girls are hanging on the Dane again and not even noticing
the Irish man with the new Speedo.
On the way home he again asks the Dane whats the problem with the girls again
Not noticing him.
The Dane says look get yourself a potato and put it in your Speedo.
The next day still no luck, the girls are even staying further away from him. He cant
Stand it anymore and asks the Dane what to do next.
The Dane says move the potato from the back to the front.

4 Miracles of Woman

Getting wet without taking a shower
Bleeding without getting hurt
Giving milk without eating grass
Making boneless meat hard.

Vintage Beer Ads

Hat

An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the vestibule.

When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on "The Ten Commandments."

After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his had vigorously, and told him "I want to thank you preacher for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it."

Preacher: "You mean the commandment 'I shall not steal' changed your mind?"

Old Man: "No, the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that I remember where I left my old hat!"

Magician Show

A Las Vegas magician amazed the crowd - so much so that a man in the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?"

The magician responded with a laugh, "If I told you, sir, I'd have to kill you."

The man yelled back, "Okay, then, tell my wife!"

Effect ef Sex Absentinence

Armless Man in Bar

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender.

He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.

The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.

The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times.
By the way, where is your restroom?"

The bartender quickly replies -,
"The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."

Driver License Uncover Everything

Two young boys were discussing their parents,
when one realized he really knew very little
about his mother. Arriving home that evening,
he gave her a third degree examination.

"How old are you?" he asked.

"None of your business," replied his mother,
shortly.

"Okay, then how much do you weigh?"

"That's not your business either, young man."


The boy thinks a minute then delivers his final
bombshell. "Well then, can you tell me why you
and daddy got divorced?"

Shocked and appalled, mom sends junior to bed
without supper.

The next day, the kid reports his failure to
his schoolmate. "I know!" says his buddy, "Just
look at her driver's license in her purse. It'll
tell you everything you want to know."

Later that day, mom finds her son next to her
disemboweled purse, holding her driver's license.
"Just what the heck do you think you are doing?"
she yells. "Well, you wouldn't tell me what I
wanted to know," says the junior detective, "but
my friend said it's all right here. See, you're
40 years old...you weigh 145 pounds...and daddy
divorced you because you got an 'F' in Sex."

Clever and Creative Anti-Tobacco Ads

Millions of people died by tobacco-related diseases every year, thus many people still using it for recreational purpose, social purpose, or has been addicted with it. May those clever ads helps them quit smoking.

10 Things That Sounds Dirty at Thanksgiving Day but Absolutely Not...

1. "Reach in and grab the gibblets."

2. "Whew...that's one terrific spread!"

3. "I'm in the mood for a little dark meat!"

4. "Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist."

5. "Talk about a HUGE breast!"

6. "And he forces his way into the end zone!"

7. "She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down."

8. "It's cool whip time!"

9. "If I don't unbutton my pants, I am going to burst!"

10. "It must be broken 'cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out.

Please Keep The Secret!

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her outer labia are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she’s embarrassed and doesn’t want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor and says: “I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!”

“Don’t worry,” he says: “I didn’t tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself.”

“Who is the third rose from?” she asks.

“Oh,” says the doctor: “that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!”

Misunderstanding With An Arabian Man

An Arab was interviewed at the US Embassy for a U.S.A. Visa.

Consul : What is your name?
Arab: Abdul Aziz

Consul: Sex?
Arab : Six to ten times a week

Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab : both male and female and sometimes even camels

Consul: Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!

Consul: Man,...isn ' t it hostile?
Arab :Horse style, dog style, any style

Consul: Oh...dear!
Arab : Deer? No deer, they run too fast!

Circle of Success

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . .. . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . .having money.
At age 50 success is . ... . having money.
At age 70 success is . ... . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

Osama Bin Laden Goes to Heaven

Osama bin Laden went to heaven and was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?"

Patrick Henry then approached and punched Osama in the nose.

James Madison entered and kicked him in the shin.

An angry Thomas Jefferson whacked Osama over the head with a cane.

The thrashing continued as John Randolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

Suddenly, as Osama lay writhing in unbearable pain, an angel appeared.

"This is not what you promised me," said Osama.

"Come on, Osama," the angel replied. "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven"

Qrazy Offend Jokes

Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment

Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either

Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. A pimp

Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell 'BINGO!'

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A. A northern fairytale begins, 'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins, 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh!t.'

Q.. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A.. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the UnitedStates